dear addiction,
A lot has changed since I last wrote…
Looking back over the past year, I remember taking my son to rehab on that cold February morning. There is no preparation to leave your son or daughter in rehab. Parents drop off their kids at a friend’s house for sleepovers or camping, take them to their first day of first grade. I remember taking Eric to school 14 years ago. He had that “lump” in his throat. He could have cried loudly. Worried – Will he be okay? She couldn’t believe that he had been gone all day. Ready? What if he needed me?
Nothing can compare to taking him to hospital. I will never forget standing in the lobby of the rehab center. I listen to the therapist talking to my son. She nonchalantly asks what her drug of choice is. I hear him respond, “HEROIN.” She is unaffected by hearing this. The heroine was a stranger to me, a death sentence. I heard my son say this for the first time 5 days before, but this time it is louder. My head hurts, I feel like it’s going to explode. My whole body trembles, my eyes cry…
I look at my son. He looks nervous, similar to how he looked on that September morning years ago when I dropped him off at school. Except this aspect is more complex. He is not wide-eyed, excited to meet his new friends and teacher. He is not wearing new clothes or new tennis shoes. They told him to wear comfortable clothes. But still, he looks somewhat relieved somehow. Relieved, that he knows that he belongs here….
My husband and I stand and watch the therapist inspect his duffel bag. Looking for the obvious, without drugs or alcohol. But also, no hairspray, mouthwash, cell phones, open packs of cigarettes. As he calmly explains to us about my son’s stay in rehab, I want to shout, “You know what? He’s different from all the other kids that have come here, he understands, he’s MY SON and he’s going to be a success story!” would believe… I look her straight in the eye as she speaks, wondering “Are you a mother? Do you realize what this is doing to me? Does it matter to you that I haven’t slept in 5 days? Does she know what I mean?” How does it feel to stand by your son’s bed while he is detoxing from a highly addictive drug? I saw him shake, he hurts from head to toe, he is miserable. Who is this person? THIS IS NOT MY SON! Tell me someone is playing a horrible prank on me. Where is the hidden camera? Tell me this was a cruel test of a mother’s love. I passed with flying colors, right? NOW GIVE ME MY SON BACK…….
Eleven months later, not only have I got my son back, I have a happy, mature, confident, bright-eyed young man who is determined to keep you out of his life, for TODAY, at least… One day at a time. time. This has become my personal motto. This is not to say that I don’t care about the future or that I am being careless or irresponsible. What it means is that, for today, I will be the best person I can be. I will not judge others. I will love my husband and my 3 beautiful children for who they are. I will love myself for who I am. I will remind myself that I am human, that I will make mistakes and hope to learn from them. If it wasn’t for you, I’d still be stressed about things that are out of my control. Trying to “fix” others and not knowing myself as well as I do today. So for that, I thank you. Funny right? A few years ago, I hated you, despised you, resented you for what you did to me when I was a kid, how you made my brother seem nervous all the time, how you made my son unable to look anyone in the eye. Now, I’m thanking you. It’s amazing what time and knowledge can do to a person. I am no longer trying to control others and I am taking care of myself, guilt free too!
Resentment is common for your family members. It’s easy to get angry with you. You have caused many people a great deal of pain and anguish. Holding on to anger only allows you to have POWER over my emotions. I won’t let you have that. Anger consumes too much energy. It’s a distraction. I have found positive ways to exert my energy. I took action; I heard about you, I’m a volunteer for The Alliance Against Drugs. Now I say HEROINE, with a certain indifference, just as the therapist did. I continue to spread the word about you and let others know that there is hope and help. I won’t shut up or keep you a secret. If I kept quiet, how could others learn from my experience? Isn’t that the purpose of life? Share our experiences, our knowledge with others so that they too can learn from it? Keeping quiet would send my son the wrong message. I would tell him that I am embarrassed or ashamed of him. I wouldn’t want to do that. A large part of the first year of recovery is spent getting rid of the shame and guilt about you. I have to let my son know that I forgive him too. He needs a clean slate. I think we all do. I don’t want to add to his “mental baggage of negativity”. I want to help lighten his load of guilt. Forgiveness is really saying: you hurt me. Please don’t do it again. And just because he forgives you doesn’t mean he trusts you. I’m afraid to give you the chance to do it again. Forgiving someone is fear of being vulnerable again.
I am on the road to recovery. It is a wonderful journey. Just as all journeys can be bumpy or have detours along the way, mine is no different. My family is rebuilding our foundations. Taking control of my son was similar to a tornado hitting our house. The 5 of us were left standing, feeling alone, without a roof or walls to protect us. Each of us is slowly returning brick by brick to our home. Slowly but surely, we are dealing in our own way. There was more silence than fighting for your existence. Silence was difficult. You emotionally paralyzed me. You caught me off guard and as a mother my concern was to get my son the help he needed. He was in survival mode. This kept me busy, so busy that my daughters felt abandoned. Feeling like this created hostility. Now I know how important it is to be forgiven. I have apologized for my emotional absence. It’s really hard when you apologize to someone and you really regret something, but that’s not enough. I can’t change the past, but I can learn from past behavior. Forgiving or letting go of bread is a process and will take time. I keep praying that my daughters forgive me soon. They are remarkable young women with big hearts, so I wait patiently.
These relationships are worth waiting a lifetime to be forgiven… My children are the center of my heart, they are precious people. I am proud to be his mother. I am so happy that I learned to accept them for who they are instead of who I thought they should be.
You are still present in my life, you always will be. But, now, you are a strong and positive force, a learning device, so to speak. Today I will continue to try to be the best person I can be. You are my inspiration to help others.
That’s all for now, I’ll be in touch.
PS I think I’ll call that therapist and let her know that TODAY my son is a success story…….