I am always looking for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo and I think, okay, here is a girl who is capable of making a decision that she will regret in the future. (Richard Jeni)
I worked some gigs in the Deep South … Alabama … You’re talking about Darwin’s waiting room. There are boys in Alabama who are his own father. (Dennis Miller)
I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out. (Rodney Dangerfield)
Los Angeles is so celebrity conscious that there is a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson, and when he shows up, they tell him there will be a ten minute wait. (Bill Maher) Funny quotes. Sayings. Quotes.
I celebrated Thanksgiving the old way. I invited everyone from my neighborhood to my house, we had a huge party, and then I killed them and took their land. (Jon Stewart)
There’s always one of my uncles who watches a boxing match with me and says “Sure. Ten million dollars. You know, for that amount of money, I would fight him.” Like someone was going to pay $ 200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old carpet salesman get hit in the face and cry. (Larry Miller)
If I ever have twins I would use one for the parts. (Steven Wright)
My wife and I take out life insurance policies for each other, so now it’s just a waiting game. (Bill Dwyer)
Famous quotes
My sister was with two men in one night. He could barely walk after that. You can imagine? Two dinners! (Sarah Silverman)
I know a guy who called the Home Shopping Network. They said “Can I help you?” And he said “No, I’m just looking.” (George Miller)
I met these Siamese twins. They moved to England so the other could drive. (Steven Wright)
A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to start a business. “Suppose a woman walks in and asks for a hundred dollar item. You wrap it up and give it to her. She pays you with a $ 100 bill. But when she walks out the door, she realizes that you have given her two. dollars. 100 bills. Now this is where ethics comes in: should you or shouldn’t you tell your partner? “(Henny Youngman)