A few years ago, I read a book called “I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me: Understanding Borderline Personality.” This is an old book, originally published in 1989, but I thought it was still great.
I would say that even if someone does not have a borderline personality or even knows someone who does, it can still allow them to develop a greater understanding of themselves and others. The reason for this is that even if someone does not have this ‘disorder’, they may still be able to relate to some of the traits or experience these traits during stressful times, or that someone else in their life might.
The perfect title
The title of this book is a great example of what someone is likely to express through their behavior if they have this type of “disorder.” Ultimately, what this illustrates is that someone like this is often very conflicted and finds it difficult to experience harmony and inner peace.
But, although this title is very good, I did not think about it much when I was reading the book. Since then, I have gained a deeper understanding of these words and have come to a conclusion as to why someone would use and / or experience this internal dichotomy.
A deeper look
If someone has this type of ‘disorder’, it is very likely that they had a childhood from hell. The stability, consistency, and nurturing they needed to grow and develop simply would not have been available on a regular basis.
As a result of this, part of them would naturally have experienced a lot of anger and hatred towards their caretakers. The problem is that because of how helpless and dependent they were on their caregivers at this stage in their life, they would not have been able to act on these feelings either by attacking them or running away from them.
A divided being
So as much as this part of them didn’t like their caretakers and wanted to get away from them, their own survival was tied to them. For another part of them, then, not being around these people would have led to their disappearance.
What would also have influenced their not wanting their caregivers to leave them would have been the trauma they were carrying. The abuse and neglect they went through would have caused them a lot of rejection and abandonment and this would also have been triggered if they had stayed.
A painful existence
Therefore, their early years would not only have prevented them from developing a strong sense of themselves, but would have led them to carry at least two parts / beings that are not in a good sense. In other words, they will not have solid foundations and will have the tendency to merge with one of two inner experiences; experiences that will make them lose contact with their own internal resources and a very limited vision of reality.
Also, the love / hate relationship they had with their own caregivers will be reflected in their adult relationships (projection). Your inner world will be very turbulent and consequently so will your outer world.
Did not happen
Another reason they will operate in extremes when it comes to others and themselves is because they did not go through a major developmental stage. During about the second or third year of their life, they should have fused the ‘image of the good mother with the bad image of the mother’, thus allowing them to step out of a very one-dimensional view of others and themselves.
This would have allowed them to see that life is not black and white and that there is everything in between, allowing them to be more in balance internally and to experience life in all its richness. If the care they needed had been provided during this time, chances are they would have been able to get through this.
Final thoughts
With this in mind, if anyone can relate to this, they should be aware that it is not bad and that there is nothing inherently wrong with it either. They had a very challenging childhood and this left them in an underdeveloped and emotionally raw state.
To????
And, thanks to how their caregivers treated them and the meaning their mind gave to what happened, they can carry a lot of toxic shame. For someone in this position, it will be essential that they seek outside support.