The pages of my diary in the second half of 2007 are mostly empty; quite unusual for me during that period of life. There is a story to tell, which those pages allude to in a revealing way.
I was in a cloudy depression. Embarking at forty, in a vocation crisis, having recently married, I was struck by how unexpected my life had become. Deconstructed life.
This depression came as a Fujita-5 tornado, fast and sudden; its signs only become clear in hindsight. Those symptoms appeared, unknowingly and unfairly, on our honeymoon.
Here is a story of how depression involves a fracture of the mind that creates enormous emotional frailty and spiritual crisis:
On an innocent enough Saturday morning I changed the engine oil in my Hyundai. He had done it dozens of times. Work done, I started the engine. Checking that everything worked as it should. I was shattered to find oil running all over the driveway. I cut the engine and ran inside absolutely shattered, sobbing like a baby. I ran into Sarah in the kitchen and fell into her arms, before throwing myself to the floor. He didn’t know what had happened and it took him a while to find out. I was inconsolable. Normally, you might react angrily because the job went wrong; but in my depression there was no means for such a struggle.
The fracture in my mind had contributed to the spilled oil in the first place; with depression it is very difficult to keep your mind focused. I hadn’t been able to remove the old o-ring. With a clear mind, you would never make such a fundamental mistake. However, as I recall doing the homework, my lack of self-confidence was poignant. Neither mind nor emotions could stop me.
Reflecting on that initial period in our marriage, I quickly feel the difficult situation my new wife must have found herself in; her new husband was completely unsure of his identity, fought from within, his defenses down, the victim of a broken mind, running uncontrollably at his own will, and a heart vulnerable to the cognitive chaos under which he sat.
For a period of just over three months I had a daily battle. I was in a paid ministry position and felt completely inadequate to fulfill that duty most of the time. Many times I had to put my depression aside and pray that the Lord would keep my mind and my emotions every time I ministered to the youth. God was incredibly faithful. My senior pastor also kindly allowed me to continue at work. Having to keep showing up helped. But there were also days when I couldn’t function and no one could force me if I couldn’t.
GETTING OUT OF THAT
What finally got me out of that depression was the Word of God, Proverbs to be exact. I began to read one chapter of Proverbs a day and stayed on that plan, meditating on chapters of about twenty verses a day, for eighteen months. That book of the Bible saved my mental, emotional, and spiritual life. I read little else from the Bible during that time. Proverbs was a book in time for me.
Focusing on Proverbs made my mind focus and stabilized my emotions as the Holy Spirit spoke to me with life of encouragement. It showed me how important it is to be consistent in studying a book or section of God’s Word. Proverbs gave me the character of God as the structure for the wisdom I was seeking.
Through the scriptures, God was able to stabilize me enough to heal the fracture in my mind, and that helped strengthen the fragility of my emotions.
Fortunately, I got out of this depression as fast as I got in.
And for the record, I took SSRI antidepressant medication. They were important; Just as important as recognizing the signs and symptoms and admitting it was out of control. As soon as I realized I was out of control, I was quickly able to address the confusion and start to improve again.
May God truly bless you as you move smoothly with yourself.