Sometimes I hear from wives who are a little mad because they miss their cheating husband. Many of them have kicked him out of the house. They felt justified in doing this and thought that taking this kind of decisive action might bring them some relief. But, to their surprise and disappointment, they find that they still miss him. Many are confused about this reaction. They think that they should feel nothing but anger towards him, but this is not the case.

Someone might say, “I’m embarrassed about this, but I miss the husband I kicked out 3 weeks ago because of his affair. I know 3 weeks isn’t even that long and I know an affair is an unforgivable offense.” But several times in every 24-hour period, something will happen and I’ll think ‘oh I have to share this with my husband’ or ‘I have to tell my husband this’, and then I’ll realize that I really can’t share this easily with him because I kicked him out. When I come home after a long day, I find myself wishing he was there so we could share dinner. I find myself wishing he could put the kids to bed and I know this isn’t fair to anyone because he made the choice for him. He calls every night to talk to the kids. He tries to talk to me, but I admit I’m pretty distant with him. I hang up the phone quickly. , but then I find myself wishing I had talked to him. He sends me text messages and emails, but I delete them. He says that if he gave her a chance, I’d do this up to me. I’m mad at myself for missing him like this and even considering his offer. How can I make him stop?

I think you’re being too hard on yourself. For many of us, our husband has been in our lives for many years. We usually share a home, children, and an extended family. Perhaps it is unrealistic to think that we can eliminate it from our lives without looking back. My husband and I spent some time apart after his affair, and I openly admit that I missed him right away. I can’t imagine how this is unnatural. Because regardless of the circumstances, you should expect to be hurt when your other half is fully participating in your life one second and then the next second they’re not. Just because an affair is causing this doesn’t mean it will hurt less or that you can avoid feeling this emptiness.

As for how to make it stop, I would think or guess that time would eventually take care of that. Since you have children, you will probably have to interact with him and watch him for some time. Counseling can help make this transition as healthy as possible. Many couples can move on after an affair, regardless of whether they stay together or not, but it just takes time. I found that when my husband and I lived apart, it helped me a lot to stay busy and focus on self-improvement and self-care. In short, because I did not know what my life would be like in the future, I decided to depend and focus on myself and my children. I couldn’t control what my husband did. But I was able to control myself. So when he felt sorry for myself or despair, he would force me to get up, take a walk, exercise, or do something else that would benefit myself, my children, or others. I tried to divert attention from the matter and put it on something positive about the future.

To be fair, my husband and I finally reconciled. This happened because through counseling and deep soul searching, I came to the honest conclusion that I thought my life would be better with him in than out of him.

But I think you’re being too hard on yourself when you hope you don’t miss him. Your life has been altered by a mistake you did not make. That mistake does not mean that your marriage did not take place or that your family did not exist.

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