How did you leave your last relationship?
Was it like a train pulling out of the station or was it more like running from the scene of an accident?
Why do I ask?
Because now you have found that relationship that you always hoped to find. You have found a person with whom you share not only intense chemistry, but also a truly deep heart and soul connection. You have created an incredible place of relationship with this person. You are genuine and totally happy.
Just when you think nothing can interrupt that wonderful relationship place, it happens. Your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend (we’ll collectively refer to them as “ex”) starts contacting you. They start calling you, texting you, and leaving you voicemails. They want you to give your relationship with them another chance.
It’s amazing. Exes always seem to find their way back into your life to dump all their problems on you the moment you’re happiest with someone else. It’s like they have a special radar that alerts them that it’s the perfect time to try to recover at the very moment you’re in this very happy place.
Then what do you do? How do you respond to this crusade to win you back? Many people, with the best of intentions and a residual feeling of caring for their ex, won’t be totally honest in how they respond. Not wanting to hurt their ex, many people will not give a definitive “no” to her request and/or minimize the depth of their feelings and commitment to their current partner.
This is not the best way to respond to an ex. Although not intended as such, this kind of “soft pedal” response to an ex is actually damaging to all parties involved, as well as your current relationship. Here are four reasons why you need to be totally open with your ex:
1) Your ex will think there’s a chance until you tell him otherwise: An ex coming to you after having an “epiphany” where he decides he’s a new person and you need to give up your relationship with the “new him” “. a second chance, they feel very strongly that his epiphany is a truth. They believe with absolute certainty that what they feel is the right thing for both of them. When responding to an ex in this situation, you should keep any measure of ambiguity out of your response. It is essential that you be clear.
If you don’t respond to an ex’s plea with a very definite “no,” your ex will continue to believe that there is still some chance of convincing you to say yes. You need to be totally honest with your ex and tell him that there is no chance of the two of you getting back together. He must be completely open about the fact that he is not just with someone else, but with someone for whom he has very deep and intense feelings.
2) You’re Not Saving Your Ex’s Feelings: As I stated earlier, you need to be totally upfront and honest with your ex, especially at the first sign that he’s trying to reconcile with you. You’re not doing anyone a favor when you “protect an ex’s feelings” by not being completely honest with him. When you’re not totally open and honest with your ex, you’re not protecting them from pain. Instead, you’re causing them more damage because you’re not making it clear to your ex that there won’t be a second chance together.
You have to realize that when an ex decides that they need to reconcile with you the moment they find out that you are at your happiest with someone else, your ex is doing this because they are not actually happy. Deep down they still have feelings for you, but those feelings have to do with their own problems and not yours. Therefore, you need to clearly dispel any thoughts in your ex’s head that his perceived feelings are about you, so that he can see that he needs to address his own issues, which are the real cause of his unhappiness. Failing to do this will only hurt your ex more in the future.
3) You are hurting yourself: It is also important that you completely let go of your past with your ex in order to move on and have the love you truly deserve. When you allow an ex who has invaded your space to stay there, you are doing yourself a lot of unnecessary damage and preventing yourself from progressing on your own emotional path.
You already know that your ex is an ex for very important reasons. He’s an ex because you’ve already learned your lesson that he didn’t satisfy you the way you needed to be satisfied. They are exes because they didn’t touch your heart the way your heart needed to be touched. Your ex is an ex because he couldn’t get into your soul and go deep into your core like you needed to. You are with someone currently who meets all of these needs for you, so you must let go of your past completely in order to focus on the person with whom you are developing a true and deep connection.
4) You Are Damaging Your Current Relationship: You should also remember that every time an ex invades your space, they damage the sacred space you are forming with the person you are currently in a relationship with. The only result for you when an ex invades the sacred space you have established with a new person is that stress will creep into your life and current relationship for no reason.
You have met someone with whom you have been developing and experiencing a true soul connection. Allowing your ex to continue to cause you and your dynamic relationship stress and pain will inevitably put a strain on the bond she is building with your partner. Your current partner will feel disconnected from you both because of your involvement in dealing with your ex, and because of their frustration at not being able to help you at all. There’s no reason to let an ex who won’t be a part of your life affect the amazing connection you’ve been creating.
So the next time an ex walks into your life when you’re happily involved with someone else, you need to be smart in how you respond. You have to be as open and honest with your ex about your feelings towards him and about your current relationship as you are with the person you are currently seeing. The reason you are with the person you are currently seeing is because you feel free to be yourself in the purest form. It is in everyone’s best interest that you do so. So while it’s not always easy, being completely open and honest with an ex is the kindest thing you can do for your ex, your current relationship, and yourself.