Breaking up is hard; There really is no way to sugarcoat the bad news when you dump your ex. Consider this couple:
Tina and Jason are in the kitchen of their apartment. She’s nonchalantly cooking dinner, he’s pressuring her, again, for when she can move back in. They were engaged; now they live apart, but see each other daily. They are in limbo.
In her opinion, he has been endlessly patient, giving her space while she worked through her grievance after her father’s death. Now, she has had enough. He wants her back. It’s over, she says. She can’t continue. It’s not him, it’s her. She doesn’t want to marry him. Jason storms out. Tina feels guilty.
If this sounds like soap opera stuff, it is. Tina and Jason’s protracted breakup was a 2010 storyline on the world’s longest-running soap opera, Coronation Street. Tina has broken off her engagement to Jason because (we know, but she doesn’t seem to know) she’s falling for Graeme (who just happens to be a better guy, as they say on this show). Jason has anger issues, sure.
But Tina could have handled it better. The truth is that many relationships (like Tina and Jason’s) go on too long because it’s hard to end. So is there a good way to break up with your boyfriend, a way that is compassionate, kind, loving, decent, fair, and final? Here is a 7 point plan:
- Tina’s “it’s me” is an excuse, not a reason. Think hard and clarify exactly why she wants to break it off. Be honest with yourself and honest with your ex, they both deserve it. If you’ve put someone new in, or your feelings have changed, or you really prefer being single right now, it can be hard to tell someone. Don’t be hurtful, don’t sugar coat, just tell him.
- Don’t jump on them when one of you is doing something else. Sit down, in person, and have a conversation. You’ll probably have to schedule it and not just say “We need to talk.” Instead, say “We need to talk about our future.” Decide before this conversation what you ultimately want. Do you want to be friends, in the future? Are you colleagues? What about mutual friends? How is that going to work?
- Be patient, loving and compassionate. Don’t put your ex on the defensive, don’t let them corner you, and don’t blame them. Instead, he talks about the happy memories, the good times together, the things he’ll always be grateful for.
- Expect an emotional reaction. Listen, support your boyfriend, but don’t be fooled into taking anything he says personally. Your future ex is upset and disappointed. Give him some slack.
- It may take more than one conversation to figure this out, but you don’t need to discuss every detail of your relationship, ‘talk’ about everything. If, on the other hand, he prefers not to see you and asks you to avoid the places you used to go together, try to be generous. Give him some space.
- Don’t accept the blame. Offer a sincere apology for not working out. Don’t be persuaded to “just stay together until summer” or “after my sister’s wedding” or some other future event, if you know you need to end now.
- If things get too emotional, tell him you’ll talk again when he’s more himself and walk away. Don’t coddle your ex, don’t hug him or kiss him goodbye, don’t go looking for him later.
Make the breakup as kind, compassionate, and honest as you can because there is no ideal way to break up or leave your lover, but you can at least do this to limit the pain. For both.