The appointments have changed. Whether you’re a teenager just starting out, or in your 20s and 30s looking for the love of your life, or in your 40s, 50s, or 60s (or even older) and dating again, it’s a different world. . High conflict persons (HCPs) seem to be on the rise in our society and may be about one in eight people. They can be abusive and/or controlling in close relationships: verbally, physically, sexually, financially, spreading rumors, isolating you from friends and family, and some even bring laws against those they once loved. But much of this is hidden at first.
How can you spot an HCP when you’re dating? The following seven tips can help:
1. Beware of excessive charm
This takes everyone by surprise. It is the opposite of what you would expect! Many healthcare professionals have a sugar-coated personality when they first meet people, and they can be some of the best at filling dates with attention, affection, gifts, lavish dinners, lovely notes, flowery comments, and praising text messages. . In many ways, this balances out the negativity that may be around the corner after you make a deeper commitment.
This is not to say that generosity, attention and affection are not okay and are not part of all good relationships. It’s just that a typical characteristic of HCPs is extreme, including an extremely charming demeanor. If he or she seems too good to be true, he or she may be right!
2. Pay attention to your feelings, but don’t let them rule you
A staggering number of people divorcing say they had a hunch that there were problems in the relationship before they got married, but ignored those feelings and thought that whatever problems existed could be resolved. Pay attention to gut feelings in relationships. Often with HCPs, your conscious thinking will give the person the benefit of the doubt, while your unconscious instincts will perceive that there is a problem. Listen to these feelings and consider them. Some of the most conflicted personalities have the ability to say the right things while doing everything wrong.
On the other hand, don’t automatically follow your feelings. Sometimes our feelings lead us astray and cause us to be attracted to the wrong people for reasons we may never know. Pay attention to your feelings, but discuss them with someone else to get a reality check before making any big commitments.
Also, alcohol and other substances can dull your dating radar, so plan some activities that avoid anything that might upset your conscience and your feelings.
3. Don’t let sex blind you
Sex is one of the most powerful factors for falling in love. The hormones released in your brain when you have sex tell you to fall in love with your partner, especially dopamine. Activate your sense of pleasure and increase your sexual drive. It can be as powerful as heroin and other drugs, and it can make you fall in love with everything around the person you’re sleeping with: sharpening your memories of where you are, the sights, sounds and smells, and your other shared experiences with the person. (Doidge, The Brain That Changes Itself, 2007)
So you have to be careful who you “hook up” with. This powerful drug in your own brain can blind you to all the warning signs you may discover when they disappear several months later (and you may have already made a deeper commitment).
4. Take your time
There is no reason why you have to quickly commit to a new relationship. Health professionals are often aggressive and rushed. New couples are often pressured to move fast in developing relationships and even marriage. However, it can take up to a year before someone’s high-conflict personality comes out and your dopamine blinders are gone.
For example, domestic violence, rumor spreading, and other abusive behavior may not begin until around six months into the relationship, when the HCP partner feels threatened and safe enough to risk pushing, shoving, hitting, and shoving you. even hurt you. You’re too deep at this point to quit quickly. It is much easier to blame yourself and think that you are an exception and that it will not happen again. Furthermore, this often takes reasonable people totally by surprise, so that they blame themselves. But such behavior is unacceptable in any relationship and will be repeated and repeated if the person has a high-conflict personality. It is part of who they are. you can often tell if it’s part of who they are, if they justify abusive behavior and dismiss it as normal; or if they say it will never happen again, and then it does.
Other abusive behaviors can also be slow to show, such as financial problems that include extravagant spending with your money, old debts you didn’t know existed, hiding money, giving away property, paying expenses for your friends and family. , And so on.
One of the clearest signs of an HCP is the threat to leave you if you don’t agree to a quick commitment. By taking his time to commit to any new partner, he gets a chance to see if those hidden behaviors are going to come out. With this in mind, it makes a lot of sense to avoid quick commitments to live together, get married, or even share money. It’s easier to go slow to get into a good relationship than it is to get out of a high-conflict relationship.
5. Beware of all-or-nothing thinking
This may be the easiest factor to notice. High conflict people tend to see things as either good or bad. They often see people this way. After a disagreement with someone, do you blame the other person entirely and avoid any responsibility for resolving the problem? Even if he or she wasn’t the cause of the problem, most people ponder what they could do differently to avoid or solve similar problems in the future. I should have been more careful with him. “I never should have trusted her.” “Next time I’ll get another opinion first.” Health professionals often pressure you to accept that others are bad or to involve you in their battles with other people. They generally see themselves as victims and may often describe other people as taking advantage of them or trying to get them.
6. Is he or she self-absorbed?
Does he ever ask for you? “How was your day?” “What do you think about that topic?” “What do you want to do today?” Many health professionals are so self-absorbed that they forget you are there unless they want something from you. Don’t be fooled by how smart, creative, and fascinating they are if they don’t value you in the relationship. Many HCPs are very high-functioning people who can draw people to them, but don’t put energy into others and don’t nurture their relationships once they have them. See how they treat other people. Do they treat higher status people with great respect and lower status people (waitresses, blue collar workers, ex-spouses, etc.) with great disrespect or contempt? Are they surprisingly insensitive to friends and family at times? Are they always trying to prove how superior they are? Do they seem to lack empathy? See how they respond to your interests. Do they change the subject before you finish talking about what’s important to you? See how they respond to your comments about their behavior. Are they interested in self-improvement, or is there an intensely negative response? Also, see how he responds to your comments about his behavior. Do you feel warm and confident, or suddenly defensive? Test the full range of your interests and the full range of your concerns about the other person, to see how you handle the “problems” that come up in all relationships. If you don’t feel comfortable or excited about talking to your partner about almost anything for the first six to twelve months, it’s unlikely you ever will be. Don’t count on changing partners. It rarely happens in real life.
7. Watch for High-Conflict Personality Patterns
Our personalities are the way we constantly think, feel and act in the world around us throughout our lives. Personalities are mostly formed in childhood, so they don’t change much once we’re adults unless we make sincere efforts to change and then practice those changes over and over again. HCPs generally have no interest in changing themselves and become defensive if you request a new behavior or a change in behavior. HCPs don’t think much of themselves and often blame others when things go wrong, including problems they themselves caused.
There are at least five high-conflict personality patterns that are surprisingly predictable once you know the warning signs: the “I love you, I hate you” personality pattern, the “I’m far superior” personality pattern, “Swindler”, ” Always dramatic.” ” and “You’re out to get me” patterns. Each has specific extreme ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving. You can learn more about them in our articles and books on the High Conflict Institute website, or meet with a conflict professional. mental health in your community that can describe these patterns and how you can recognize and avoid them.
Conclution
In today’s world, we have more freedom than ever to select our friends and romantic partners. That means that we have to be more informed so as not to make serious mistakes. The close relationship behavior of high-conflict individuals is often hidden at first and then becomes confusing, dividing family and friends, and building to higher levels of conflict, rather than diminishing over time. Beneath the surface, they can become abusive, especially when the relationship becomes too close or when a major stressor or conflict arises.
This can happen even when you have friends or office workers who have known the person for several years. The problem is that they have never met this person in a very close relationship or under a really significant stressor or personal conflict. These are the conditions that really show the person’s conflicted personality. In general, when the going gets tough in all areas of their lives, they focus on blaming others, and their targets are often those closest to them in intimate relationships, romantic relationships, or very close friendships.
Don’t be caught off guard. Start building your Dating Radar before you make future commitments. Remember, there are still seven out of eight people who are not health professionals! There may be one waiting for you!