After a relationship dies, the resulting trauma is enormous. Now is the time to shed the heavy attachments of the past and spread your wings. Now is not the time to do none life-altering decisions. Now is the time to reacquaint yourself with your playful, fun-loving side.
Dating can be a way to reexamine your zest for life. However, all dating is not the same. Some help you make the transition from being “in a relationship” to being “happy, single, and free.” Others inhibit it.
A helpful decision rule is: Are you celebrating your new discovery? freedom from the attachments of being mated, or are you feeding your attached files To the past?
Healthy reasons for dating early: Dating to enjoy your freedom from attachments
Are you dating revive your joy with life? You have been in a gloomy and dark place for some time. Now is a good time to “turn the page” and remember that life can be joyful.
Are you dating restart your interest in the future? Much of her recent life involved living in the past. What your ex did to you, what your ex didn’t do for you. What you could have done differently. How the system screwed you, etc. Now is the time to shift your focus to the future and remind yourself that your future can be great, if you let it.
Are you dating reestablish your belief in your attractiveness? Divorce is ugly. It implies rejection by both parties eventually. Our feelings of attractiveness and feeling wanted wither away. Dating can bring back the feeling that others find you attractive.
Are you dating validation experience? Validation is the most common victim of divorce. We survived divorce wounded. Dating can begin to bring back our sense of validation and confirmation.
Are you dating have sex? Sometimes things are simple and direct. Sex with a new partner who wants to be with you can be a pleasurable experience, regardless of the meaning you attach to the act. Having sex for fun is different from having sex as a precursor to a new committed relationship. Now is NOT the time to fantasize about anything long-term.
Are you dating feeling better? We come out of a divorce feeling damaged. Dating someone new can help you restore your self-confidence and hope for the future, but only if it’s done with shared transparency and full awareness of what a transitioning relationship is all about.
Are you dating make the transition from being coupled to being uncoupled? After a divorce, you face a big transition from being married/coupled to being single/single. Success in this transition requires that you dissolve all attachments to your ex and the life you shared. While early dating alone will not accomplish this transition, dating to exercise your right to enjoy your new life without attachments is certainly good and healthy. This is the intent and role of a Transition Relationship.
Are you dating just because now you can? There is a sense of freedom now that you have no spouse to answer to. Let the wind blow through your hair and enjoy the feeling just for the fun of it.
Self Destructive Reasons For Early Dating: Dating To Feed Your Attachments To The Past
Other reasons to start dating will slow your recovery from divorce.
Are you dating make your ex feel bad? mad at your ex? Dating someone to show your ex that “you’re doing fine” now that they’re gone believes in the fact that you still want to know that you’re important enough to your ex to notice what you’re doing. In other words, you are just perpetuating the same attachments to your ex that you need to dissolve.
Are you dating feel less? Getting divorced hurts. People think dating will kill feelings. it doesn’t. It just temporarily covers the bread. But the pain is still there as long as you attach painful feelings to your memories of how life used to be.
Are you dating to forget? Forget this. You can’t forget it. Wishing you could change what happened yesterday won’t change what happened yesterday. But that’s okay. You can remember the past without becoming attached to it. Your past is there to teach you how to use your future. You can use your past by reaping the wisdom it offers. Your job is to “reframe” the memories by replacing the associated negative feelings with positive feelings or friendly indifference.
Are you leaving to find your next marriage couple? Stop in your tracks! Too soon for this. Your immediate job after getting divorced is to be completely unattached of all the physical and emotional bonds with your ex and the life you shared. There will be plenty of time to begin your search for your next committed relationship. However, now is the time to make the transition from being docked to being ANcouple, including the dissolution of all the painful emotions that have tied up going through a divorce.
Are you dating place your friends and relatives? They feel uncomfortable as they don’t know what to say to someone who just got divorced. This is their problem, not yours. Ignore his advice.
Are you dating to remember? When you and your ex met, chances are you enjoyed each other’s company. Going on dates to remember that it can be nice to spend time with another person is good. However, if you are trying to remember or recreate those early days with your ex, you are still attached to him/her when your current job is to dissolve those attachments.
Are you dating satisfy your parents? Parents care about their children. They do not want to see their children suffer. Parents want to fix things so their children don’t suffer. Parents don’t know what to do to “fix” their child’s divorce. So they succumb to the cultural myth: “If my son can find someone new, he will be happy.” All of this means that if you start dating, they will no longer feel incompetent in trying to fix your pain. Your job is to take care of yourself, not your parents. Politely ignore them.
Are you dating compete with your ex or do your ex feel bad, then those motives will come back to bite you. Remember, you are divorced. You are no longer in a relationship with your ex. Therefore, what your ex does or doesn’t do is no longer your business. None! This is a damaging path to take. Do not go there.
yesWhat is the point?
Remember, your job is not to take care of your parents, relatives or friends. Your job is to take care of yourself, and only yourself. If others yell “hooray!!” or if they “boo and whistle” with your dating options, this is none of your business either.
It all comes down to why you want to start dating again. If you want to start dating to make your friends or family feel better, you are kidding yourself. won’t do you feeling better. Also, if you want to start dating again because you are still attached to some memories of your past life with your ex, good or bad, then you are perpetuating the pain of the divorce and delaying your recovery.
However, if you want to start dating to enjoy your newfound freedom from attachments to your ex and the life you shared (and your attorney tells you that dating right now won’t hurt you legally), then dating is healthy. Enjoy!