My sisters and I talked at a recent family gathering about how differently each of us approaches conflict. We remember our teenage years when one or two of us would easily snap at my mom or dad when something didn’t go as expected (I’m not naming names!). This kind of reaction, which we all remember, was unbelievable for those of us biting our lip, acting like everything was fine, and sneaking off to lick our wounds.
I’m one of those who would slip away. But the sadness or anger (usually the operative emotion) did not evaporate. I fed it by feeling sorry for myself, thinking bad thoughts about my parents, or complaining to a friend.
Perhaps it is this time of year, I hear the birds singing as I write, but as we talked, an image in a garden came to mind: tending the pain, cultivating self-righteousness, and watering the victim. -and place in my body and heart.
I grew up as an accomplished gardener. I was well into adulthood when I realized that I wasn’t really growing anything but resentment. And it was slowly killing my relationships and myself. Afraid to vent the anger and damage the relationship, I was, in my own way, doing the same damage. So I started looking for another way.
In conflicts and difficult conversations, we typically see two paths: expressing anger in a tense and harsh way (exploding), or avoiding and pretending things are okay (shutting down). I began to observe communicators who had found a third way; who combined a direct and straightforward approach with empathy and curiosity. People who could be present, address your concerns and be listened to.
It motivated me to learn and little by little I improved. I made mistakes. Sometimes he was too assertive; sometimes too acquiescent. Teaching these skills for nearly two decades, I am still learning.
Here are some practices to help you make a third choice when you’re about to lash out or shut up:
To stay. Pema Chodron talks about the ability to be present with whatever is going on in your mind, heart, and body. I call it centering. Don’t react. When you can be present with yourself, you can be present with others.
Know your purpose. The power of purpose always triumphs over reaction. What do you want to achieve with this communication? How do you want the relationship to be? Focus on what you want.
Be curious. Of all the skills I teach, curiosity is in the top three. (You’ve already read the other two.) Decide to be interested, fascinated and open to learning, about them and about yourself. This is how you stay powerful and present.
Every difficult moment is a who moment. Take every opportunity to create the life you want.