United in marriage in later life, they sought a new vision for family, for ministry, for life, not knowing how difficult it would be.
He had daughters, three beautiful creations. She had never been married before. After the injury of a failed first marriage, she felt called by God to a ‘second chance’. He had spent three long years as a bachelor. After a brief courtship, they became engaged and later married.
Although the setting is specific to this family, the phenomenon of conflict in stepfamilies is remarkably common.
They were in their first year of marriage when their eldest daughter moved out. It was a crucial stage in her life. She was at a crossroads in her upbringing, she lacked purpose and vision, but later she found her way. She, too, had been raised in a particular way, as we all are, and was processing much of her own stuff, bravely and painfully, considering it was only five years before her father and mother separated, less than four years. since they got divorced. Again, she was at a crucial age when the separation occurred, and the period since had been hard to read.
He had a special relationship with his father, and their relationship was going to cause marital problems, because marriage is the union of the flesh and the spirit. The relationship that father and daughter shared was how they survived the breakup of their family. But, there are only two partners in the marriage. The couple learned this in their marriage counseling sessions. They went to their counselor regularly for two years. The father did not want to let go of the relationship he had with his daughter. He couldn’t see the problem initially. But he finally he saw. He began to see that marriage is a unit that is vital for the family unit to function. Some change in the relationship was inevitable.
For two full years, family life was difficult for the three of us at home. But a transition was made based on the advice and encouragement of the counselor and the changes the couple made. The conflict seemed to be a daily challenge and crises occurred at least weekly.
The couple realized that if the wife was to have the full support of her husband, that support for the daughter with regard to family matters would have to come from another loved one. It was a system that worked, fortunately, because the daughter’s new support came from a very dear grandmother. It was not uncommon for the two of them to talk for an hour or more when she needed support.
The father made up for not being his daughter’s support during family stress by hanging out with her regularly, where she could talk about anything. Since her daughter knew that she had support for certain family matters, she shared everything except that with her father.
After a couple of years, the family structure had settled. The dynamic had changed. Yes, it took that long. And this is what was learned. When the stepfamily dynamic is at its destructive peak, both partners in the marriage (the parents/stepparents) must come together, and in proactive and helpful ways. Working together, they provide leadership in serving each family member and the family as a whole.
When coming together, parents in an adoptive family should have agreed values and boundaries, and should communicate about everything, expecting conflict to be a normal feature of family life. Agreeing on a complex set of issues takes time, effort, and a lot of trial and error. Ongoing forgiveness is a vital commitment that every adult must make as they help change the family process. Mature adults accept that children and adolescents need help. They know that expecting adult behavior is too much, but they strive to include conflict resolution as a family trip. Nothing when it comes to conflict is off limits in the family dialogue, as it is accepted that everyone is learning, mistakes are normal, and nothing is final.
Entering stepfamily life is easy, leaving is a constantly conflicting temptation, and moving on is difficult. But when adults persevere and are patient, persistent in their long-term vision together, committed to overcoming conflict and enduring inevitable pain, stepfamilies survive, grow, and thrive.