Sometimes it seems that much of our communication has run out of energy. We try to do the right thing, say the right words, and be safe rather than real. And though our intentions are noble, we often miss the meaning. It remains hidden behind a carefully constructed technique that doesn’t really say much.
While I’m not in favor of reactively blurting out whatever comes to mind, unfiltered and potentially damaging, I’m in favor of being real. To say what we have to say so that we can engage in meaningful dialogue.
What prevents this meaningful exchange of thought, perspective, and energy?
The fear of failure and the art of Ukemi
When the stakes are high, we often hold back because we are afraid of making a mistake, looking foolish, hurting others, or hurting ourselves. Using the Aikido metaphor, we are afraid of falling because we don’t know if we can get back up.
When teaching Aikido applications in workplaces, I sometimes demonstrate “real” Aikido with a partner. For about a minute, my partner attacks with a variety of strikes, grabs, and punches, and I mix and redirect by throwing him back or forward. It’s fun. And it’s also a lot of fun for my partner, who receives the power of the throw the same way I receive his attack, channeling it into a graceful fall.
In Aikido, falling is an art form: the art of ukemi (receiving). We don’t see falling as a failure, because we don’t see what we’re doing as a contest. They were playing. We stay in relationship as we give and receive and play with ki (energy). Falling is a way to handle the caster’s powerful ki.
In any Aikido practice, we fall down and get up at least a hundred times or more. By staying present with the energy, taking care of ourselves in the process, we become more resilient, flexible, and courageous.
Conversational Ukemi: Aikido Lessons
Learning the skills to hold conflicting conversations provides similar benefits. When you know you’ll be okay no matter what happens in the conversation, you’re freer to participate. You begin to understand that:
#1) Safety is a mindset.
There are no guarantees about what could happen. It is not about trusting the other person. It’s about trusting yourself to catch his ki and being resourceful with him. Learn to trust his ability to flex and be resilient no matter what comes his way.
#2) The real power lies in the relationship
And in your willingness to stay in the conversation, to talk, to listen and to solve problems. You can hurt yourself. There is no bubble wrap, as colleague Melisa Gillis says. And you rethink what pain, pain and falling mean. Have you failed or have you learned something? Your choice makes the difference between collapsing and getting up off the rug to re-enter the conversation. You don’t have to get it “right” the first time. You just have to be willing to stay with him.
#3) Relationships are not about one conversation
They are a continuous journey. As mentor and colleague Tom Crum says: “Always and everywhere we are in relationship.” We may try to avoid this reality, but we are connected. Knowing this, we see the question not as if but how to be in a relationship.
The last safety net, if any, is learning to reframe our notions about conflict. We all have it. Let’s find out how to use it, transform it and benefit from it.