Have you ever wondered why your complaint seems to last longer than you thought? It may be that you have some unfinished business with the deceased, or you have some anger that you have buried and do not want to deal with. However, one of the most common causes of long-term grievances is failure to treat secondary losses.
What are secondary losses? Essentially, they are a series of additional losses that are a consequence of your greatest loss, the death of your loved one. They include, but are not limited to, things like the loss of old routines, the loss of meaning, and/or the loss of companionship or a confidant.
Some secondary losses are recognized the first time you go somewhere and your loved one would normally be with you. They remember you and it’s sad. You may also have to move, withdraw membership in a golf or social club, or sell your home. These are all secondary losses that it is very important to be aware of.
Some of the most difficult secondary losses to deal with, which often go unrecognized, are the loss of dreams about the future that you had with your loved one. For example, they were going to retire to a certain area of the country, or they were going to travel or set up a business together.
Here are four key factors to consider in processing your secondary losses.
1. Any secondary loss should be viewed as a normal part of the complaint process and mourned. It is the failure to realize that every secondary loss must be grieved that causes many long-term problems for the bereaved. This means financial changes, loss of a sexual partner, a good listener to share your problems with, the loss of the “accountant” in the family, or the loss of never being a grandparent. These and many other changes must be seen as losses and dealt with.
2. Some minor losses may not show up for weeks or months afterward. They can be tortious if a significant event occurs six or eight months (or years) after death (a graduation, marriage, or other milestone) and the decedent is not there. It could be very sad. Tell yourself that it is normal to be sad in these circumstances and grieve over the loss.
You can acknowledge your secondary losses simply by asking yourself how the loss of your loved one is changing your life. What are you going to give up? How will it affect relationships with others?
3. Caregivers are often unaware of your secondary losses and are desperate because you are showing emotion at a particular time. Sometimes you may need to tell some or all of the people in your support network what secondary losses are all about, that your grieving for them is not pathological, but to be normal and to be patient with you. Some of these losses may have immediate implications and you will need to deal with them before you face your larger loss.
4. Don’t think you can mourn all your minor losses at once. If you have several, take them one at a time, find someone who knows how to listen and talk, and if necessary, yell. Take time with each that you feel is appropriate. Some mourners have found that their secondary losses were even more difficult to deal with than the loss of their loved one.
In short, death inescapably brings about a series of changes in the life of the bereaved; the losses they entail must not be pushed aside or they will complicate grief in the long run. Some of these changes may be very significant secondary losses that must be treated immediately. Turning your attention to them, regardless of where you are in your grievance work, is totally acceptable.