It is not uncommon for people to experience very strong and overwhelming feelings when they go on an affair. Many insist that “they have never felt this way before.” Or they claim to have romantic feelings that are entirely new and will say they “never felt this way about their spouse.” Therefore, they assume that these feelings mean that they are either absolutely in love with the other person or that they are not absolutely in love with their spouse and potentially never were.
You may hear one of them say, “I’m sorry to say my adventure is over. I know this sounds horrible and it shows what a bad person I am. But the adventure changed something inside of me. It showed me how I want to live my life. It showed me that it was a kind of sleepwalking throughout my life. I don’t want to live that way anymore. I want to embrace life. Experiencing the feelings I felt for the other man made me realize how much I don’t love my husband anymore. I know it would make more sense for me to try to save my marriage since the other man went back to his wife and cut off all contact with me. But I just don’t think I can do this. I realize that already I don’t love my husband and I suspect I never did. I married him because he is a good, solid person, but not because I was desperately in love with him. I recently felt what that kind of love feels like and now I realize that this It is not what I had with my husband. This is sad because we form a family under the pretext that we love each other. “
When people say these kinds of things, many of them honestly believe that they are saying something groundbreaking and momentous. They don’t realize how common their feelings are. Countless people have come forward and said the exact same thing. And countless people have changed their minds over time. Some have even returned to their families and been quite happy. If you talk to many of these people who were so madly in love with the other person a year later, many of them have changed their tone quite dramatically.
I know you’re probably not even ready to hear what I have to say. You are still in the glow of adventure. But it is very common for this to fade. People get caught up in the thrill and thrills of an adventure. In that moment, it often feels intense and satisfying. If it weren’t, I wouldn’t risk so much for it.
But when it cools down, as it almost always does, that is when people realize that they were reacting to the situation and not to new and real feelings.
I’m not going to try to convince you that you still love your spouse. Maybe you won’t. But I caution you to reconsider breaking a family over feelings that might change. That’s especially true if the other person in the affair has made it clear that it’s over and that their own marriage is their priority.
I am not going to tell you that one day you will realize that what you have with your husband is solid and lasting and what you had with the other man was a fantasy. But I’m going to suggest that, over time, this is the conclusion that many people end up with an affair.
This is why there is little point in immediately acting on this and saying or doing something that you can’t easily take back. I heard from many people who went and announced their new revelation to their spouse, devastating everyone and ending their marriage. And then, six months later, they regret it because now they see very clearly what they have lost.
They no longer have the adventure. They no longer have their spouse. All they have is to realize that they were wrong and as a result they have now created a huge mess.
You can’t really assess your love for your spouse when the affair is so recent. I’m not saying that six months from now, you don’t feel exactly the same way you feel right now. But I’m saying that it makes sense to take the time to get a fresh perspective without doing something that essentially eliminates your future options, especially if your kids are involved and affected.