There is an old saying that goes: “What we dislike most about others is what we dislike most about ourselves.”
With that in mind, to remove excess negativity, resentment, judgment, or tension in a relationship and, yes, WORK STRESS, try using the Mirror Exercise.
The next time you feel angry, frustrated, or judging another, turn it around. In other words, ask yourself where you behave like the other person (or worry that you might slip into that behavior and spend a lot of energy trying not to be “that way”). Instead of looking at them and labeling them, look at yourself and make a mental change.
For example, suppose you are very conscious of being on time. You wake up earlier than you would like; sometimes you speed up to be on time; slow traffic bothers you; you start the morning frantic and frustrated with your family… all to arrive right on time. Now, let’s also assume that you have a coworker who constantly “slips” at least 5 minutes late on a regular basis. It is very likely that you will be very annoyed by this behavior. After all, you really are making punctuality a priority and this person clearly doesn’t care, right?
What is probably happening is that you are realizing that you also have a problem with punctuality. Otherwise, you would easily find yourself reaching places with plenty of time. That this other person is apparently not going through the pains that you have to arrive on time, makes you angry. This is because you feel like you are giving up a lot in terms of peace of mind and reduced stress levels to honor your punctuality priority.
Instead of resenting the “late”, try to see that you are capable of being late… in fact, you are late sometimes (if not often). We are all late sometimes! Realize that you are transferring your own judgment to the other person (because that is easier and more fun).
Here are some areas where the “mirror concept” described in the previous entry could show up:
o Judging someone who is overweight when they are on a diet
o Judging someone’s grammatical mistake
o Being angry at someone who cancels your plans (even if you canceled someone, at some point, in your past, or you would have liked to, but you went even though you really didn’t want to)
o Resenting a coworker for going out to lunch (while you grab a bite at your desk so you can keep working on your impossible “to do” list)
o Gossiping with coworkers about how “perceptive” your colleague is with the pin-clean workspace to keep things in good order (and you’re lucky to find your desk under all the piles of paper!)
The list could go on and on. Find your “hot spots” and start noticing your self-talk about others. As soon as you find yourself thinking negatively about someone or labeling them, immediately ask yourself “Where do I do this in my life?”