I sometimes get emails from wives asking me to translate what their husbands really mean when they directly say or “let slip” comments like, “I don’t love you the same way I used to” or “I don’t love you.” I don’t love you as much as at the beginning.
Of course, comments like these can cause a lot of anxiety and confusion. Are you saying that he doesn’t want to be married anymore? Does he no longer find you attractive? Is the spark gone and will she come back or can she ever come back? Or is she just projecting her disappointments in life or her stress level onto you because, frankly, who loves their spouse exactly the same way they did when they were first dating? This is an unrealistic expectation anyway, right? I will address these concerns in the next article.
What a husband typically means when he says he doesn’t love you the same way he once did: Granted, hearing these words or implications can be a shock that grabs your immediate attention. No one wants to be told that they are comparing it to days gone by and falling short. I do not mean to diminish this. But, I can tell you what husbands who find my blog tell me. They often say that their wife is scattered in a million different places and that she no longer has time for them. She is stressed. She is distracted. She is on the verge of anger all the time. She treats him like she is one of her children or a task on her to-do list instead of the husband she should want and love.
Please understand that I am not advocating the accuracy of these insights. I know as well as you that they may not be 100% accurate. But I am sharing this with you because I want you to have an idea of what you are up against. And I want you to know that it is most likely not the feelings of love and affection that have changed. Most likely, it’s your perceptions about your relationship (and your place in it) that have become something you really don’t like very much.
So where does this leave you? Hopefully, knowing that she’s probably not going uphill as much as she thinks. It is likely that you are not undesirable or that he no longer finds you attractive. In fact, men often measure the way they feel about the women in their lives by how women make them feel about themselves. Think about it. When a man is “in love” it is usually because a woman has placed him at the center of her world, he thinks he is the only one for her and places her happiness at the top of her list of priorities. . He makes her feel special, loved and unique. In turn, he feels that he is worth something, that he is capable of eliciting all these responses in you, so he must be doing something right. This makes it feel as unique, as special and as attractive as you feel when you are experiencing the same thing.
But right now, the level of attention and intimacy is lower. So your perception of how you feel is reflected in this and is also reduced. It’s the natural order of things, but it can be fixed and it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or can’t love you the way he once did, it just means he doesn’t get the reward or the answers anymore. that he once had because the level of attention and the give and take have changed.
Changing your perceptions about your lack of feelings: First of all, you have to look at the advantages you have. I know you may not feel like you’re in a favorable position right now, but you really are. At least her husband is still reaching out to you and still honestly values you. Many wives do not even understand this and are only told about this matter of falling out of love after the husband is already thinking about divorce. So, you have that advantage. Next, you probably have a very deep understanding of what your husband values, what makes him respond strongly, and what behaviors he should avoid. Don’t hesitate to use this.
I’ve already defined what I think is almost always at the core of a husband who thinks he has changed his feelings for you (neglect and lack of intimacy), so your first step should be to address those things. You don’t necessarily have to tell him what you’re going to do. It’s more effective to just show it to him anyway. Really begin to look objectively at her marriage and honestly process what you see. Change your focus and your priorities so that your marriage and your husband jump to the top of your list.
This by itself will usually cause at least some reaction. However, you shouldn’t go so far as to get to a place where you appear to be desperate or not genuine. Men generally don’t like to feel like they’re part of your gambling agenda, so make sure your actions are coming from a genuine place and that you really want to take whatever action you decide to follow.
And don’t put too much pressure on yourself or your husband. Don’t ask her repeatedly if she has changed her mind or how she feels about herself now. When you start to be successful with this, you will know it because he will start to have more contact and intimacy. Usually, you can literally feel the change in attitude so much that you won’t have to wonder where his head and heart are. You know how he acts when he’s feeling loving and happy, so don’t bother him by trying to pin him down.
Let things follow a natural progression. Just focus on doing upbeat and fun things together that allow you to reconnect, anticipate more, and rediscover what you loved about each other in the first place. So many women will fear that because they are no longer young, thin, and attractive, their husbands will never feel the same way about them. This is simply not true. Men respond more to attention, affection, appreciation, and understanding than anything else. They often tell me that they would rather have an average looking wife who values them and makes them a priority than one who is stunningly beautiful but ignores them or never shows up on time. Your enthusiasm, your ability to make him feel good about himself, and your ability to make him feel appreciated and understood will probably go far beyond what you think.