Once upon a time, one could make a commitment “till death do us part,” and actually consider it a meaningful promise. Sadly, today the very words that used to represent “lifetime relational security” now feel more like a fairy tale read in childhood, like “Sleeping Beauty” and “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.”
The society in which the “till death do us part” story took place did not have a 62% divorce rate. In those days of yore, 51% of adults at some point were not alone and were not involved in a primary relationship. (This summer, Psychology Today magazine published an article with that 51% statistic.)
Hubert Humphrey once remarked that he had married many women in his life, all named Muriel, a sweet and genuine reflection on the ways we grow and change over time, even in long-term relationships. People often marry before they know who they really are, and therefore choose partners for reasons other than those that would be sustainable in the long run.
Also, people lack the skills and tools to build a long-term relationship. I also believe that it takes a town to maintain a relationship, just like it takes a town to raise a child. But the structures of our village have collapsed. Too many of us, children and adults, live like feral humans trying to survive in the emotional streets of life.
So when I read personal growth and socially conscious publishing pioneer Nina Utne’s personal essay on the dissolution of even her marriage in the March-April 2007 issue of Utne magazine, I felt like I needed to do a lot more thinking. insight into whether anyone can count on a long-term relationship in today’s world.
Utne writes, “Eric and I have viewed our marriage as a spiritual path, and its dissolution…is humiliating us and demanding serious spiritual practices.”
“And we, of all people, who have spent most of our lives exploring the nexus of personal growth and social change, who have weathered many of the storms that ruin marriages, should be able to navigate this transition gracefully. But That’s disregarding ‘shenpa,’ a Tibetan word for things that trigger us and make us pop and shut down.”
Unfortunately, we are not given a relational roadmap that allows us to know that after we go through the neurochemically rich stages of the “new relationship energy,” we will enter the shadowlands, where our deepest selves will be activated. Triggers are an invitation to learn, grow, heal, emotionally, spiritually, and relationally. But lacking both the roadmap and the tools to navigate the territory, too many relationships break down and fail.
Nina Utne cites a conversation someone had with Margaret Mead about how she felt about failing in her marriages. “She responded that she didn’t have failed marriages; she had remarkable partnerships that were appropriate for different stages of her life.”
While, for many of us, that may be true, and it’s a very compassionate and perhaps helpful way to contain breakups and divorce, a part of my heart still feels sad to contain that grain of contemporary truth.
There is profound value in having another walk by our side throughout our life’s journey. I experienced this with a mentor of mine, who supported the development of my life for 17 years. He was a spiritual father to me, and I can honestly say that our relationship lasted until his sudden and unexpected death separated us. Although I mourned his death, it was easier to accept because of the richness of our 17-year relationship. I felt that I had a lot to be thankful for, my tears of sadness were tempered with tears of love.
I myself am a divorced single mother. And I have been for more years of my life and my son’s life than I could have imagined. For one thing, my ex-husband and I are still “working the pieces” in a way that few couples do before let alone after divorce. For approximately 9 years we have been working regularly with a family therapist to help create a safer environment for raising our now 11 year old son.
People marvel at this commitment we have made. And yet, it was more important to me than any other agreement in our divorce contract. Our agreement is to participate in this family therapy until our son is in his early 20s. I know this is a promise we will keep.
I believe with all my heart that if two people have children together, they have a responsibility to work on their lifelong relationship for the good of their children. If a couple gets divorced, they usually have more work to do than a married couple. The problems that caused the divorce do not magically go away in court. In fact, they often need more attention so they don’t become very thumping things during the night and day.
Sadly, it seems easy for people to walk away from each other, or even run away, without having looked at the skeletons in the closet, including the very personal closet that accompanied us in our committed associations. Receiving a roadmap, a third party who is committed to helping partners succeed, and role models of people who take the time and do the emotional work to maintain and deepen long-term relationships should be a right of passage. to adulthood.
I have found that, for me, being in a close relationship for a period of time and then not having it is more painful than a long-term relationship that ends with the death of a partner.
I had to face this same problem head-on several years ago, when a man I had begun to see as a potential long-term partner was diagnosed with cancer 6 weeks into our relationship. I remember my therapist asking me, “Do you want to continue to be involved with this man who may die?” I found myself saying, “I’m not afraid of the fact that he might die. We all die eventually. In fact, I’d really like the chance to do it until death do us part. I’m more afraid that he won’t.” death by which I lose it. I’m more afraid that I won’t be able to do it until death do us part.
Sadly, after only 2 years as a couple, integrating our families and our lives, she decided she didn’t want a long-term partner after all. In fact, I walked by his side during surgeries and cancer treatment. And although the cancer became a long-term chronic condition, our relationship was not something that he carried with him long-term.
I find it sad and paradoxical that I am being given the opportunity to use my deeply refined relationship skills to help other couples navigate the shadowlands, and with great success. I have been praying to God to give me a partner ready, willing and able to do this job with me. I have no desire to be the cobbler whose children have no shoes. And I certainly apply my relationship skills to raising my son, maintaining deep, long-term friendships, and just about every other facet of my life.
I truly pray for the opportunity “till death do us part” and give my son the model of a healthy, sustained, mutual and loving relationship between myself and a man I love. This is much more complex than I could have imagined growing up…and even at this middle-aged point in my life.