Ready for revive your marriage but not knowing what to do? Between jobs, mortgage payments, and kids, well, it can take your life. What usually suffers is the relationship between husband and wife. Sometimes they literally have nothing left to give themselves at the end of the day.
This is especially sad because if it wasn’t for the two of you getting together in the beginning, this life wouldn’t even exist! Don’t be discouraged because you are not alone. Like many other couples, they are in this together, and they can get through this together.
I know a couple who waited years after their marriage before having children. The first child was a joy for them. The second found them extremely tired but still happy for their little family. A few years into parenthood had affected their marriage so much that a possible divorce seemed to be looming on the horizon.
Now, this was no ordinary couple. They were known in their circle of friends as the quintessential couple. You know, that clingy sweet couple who spend all their time together and can’t keep their hands off each other, the ones who make everyone else feel sick to their stomachs. Yes, those people. I am happy to say that a good therapist did wonders for them and now they are back on the right track.
The lesson is this: life will get in the way of your marriage if you let it.
If you want to rekindle your marriage, you must have a plan.
You cannot go back in time and change everything that is happening today. You can not make the mortgage disappear or that the children are not born. However, you can be proactive instead of reactive. This means that you need to plan ahead to get your spouse’s time and attention. I know this doesn’t sound romantic and spontaneous, but it gives you a chance to create time for those things.
So here is a list of things to get you started on the right track:
1. Set aside 20 minutes each day
I know this doesn’t sound like much, but if you think about it, it’s probably more quality time than you’re spending together right now. The goal here is to go for quality rather than quantity. Set aside 20 minutes each day without distractions when you can really talk about your day and catch up on things. This could be when you walk in the door for the first time or possibly after the kids go to bed, but make sure it’s at the same time EVERY day. This will establish this practice as a habit in your life that you will be more likely to continue over time.
During this time it is necessary to turn off the television, computer, phones, etc. Have a cup of coffee or a glass of wine and really enjoy the time together. Guys, if some of you think this sounds silly, just think of the alternative of spending your nights alone in a cold bed. That should help motivate you.
2. Schedule regular date nights
All couples need a date night from time to time. You may think, “But we hang out all the time,” but do you make a real date out of that? Do they groom each other and focus all their attention on each other? Turn off the phones (or at least turn down the volume if your kids are with a babysitter)? Even couples without children need this. You can’t rekindle your marriage if you never have a romantic moment together.
If you are showing your complete devotion to your children by never leaving them for a date night, then you are doing them a great disservice. They are happy when you are happy as a couple. It makes them feel safe and secure. If your marriage is in trouble, you can always feel it. So if you want them to be happy, you need to work on a happy marriage by spending quality time with your spouse. If you neglect your marriage, then you will live in a miserable situation or you will get a divorce. Neither of these are good options for your children.
If you can’t afford a babysitter and don’t have family to help, trade time with another couple who have kids. Your kids will love that because they get a play date built in.
Whether you have kids or not, you should schedule a date night at least once a month (twice is even better). Remember to write it on your calendar or put it in your planner so you don’t miss it.
3. Put the kids on a schedule
This cannot be emphasized enough. Children suck the life out of us because they create more work for us. They don’t pull their weight at home. If you think about past generations, children always had more homework and were more disciplined than today’s children.
So here is where to start. If your kids don’t have a set bedtime ritual, set one up now. They need to do the same things every night to get their mindset ready for bed. Then put them to bed at the same time every night. Now here’s the twist on that plan for some people. Many couples I know have children who sleep in their beds with them. This is so bad for your marriage that I can’t even begin to explain all the reasons why. I realize it’s easier to let the kids sleep with you when you’re tired, but you’ll get more rest in the long run if you take the time to figure this out now.
Buy new bedding from them for a shard if you need to. Redecorate your entire room. Establish a reward system. Do whatever works for your child.
Also, every child needs age-appropriate chores. A chart can be helpful for both you and your child to keep up with progress. You can reward them when it is full. Make sure he picks up all his belongings before bed EVERY night. This not only makes your life easier, but also sets good clothes for your child’s life.
Basically, if you’re dead tired at the end of each day and your kids are still bouncing off the walls with energy, then you’re doing something wrong. You need to harness some of its energy.
These three things will rekindle your marriage if you implement them in your daily life. If your marriage is in trouble and you need immediate help with a step-by-step plan, click here.
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