There has been a lot in the media lately about teenagers doing dangerous/harmful things. The common denominator is the shock of parents who didn’t know their son was doing whatever it was that got him into trouble.
With the breakneck speed of the 21st century at which many families are moving, one thing that is sacrificed is the ability of parents to see subtle changes in their teens’ behavior/attitudes. So if you’re a parent of a teen, here’s your checklist of warning signs. Having any sign is an indicator of possible problems; having any two signs is an indicator that trouble is very likely, and three or more signs indicate that trouble has arrived…
1. Whining to belligerence: The normal tendency to question and complain (usually in the form of a good, healthy whine, like “that’s not fairrrrrr!!!”) becomes more belligerent or disrespectful (.. . what do you know. ..!”)
2. Constantly lowering grades and unwillingness to do schoolwork
3. A change of friends (for the worse…) and/or their possessions (having things they couldn’t afford with the money they have)
4. Excessive secrecy: becoming adamantly uncommunicative about everything (happy teens will need to share some things…in spite of themselves!)
5. Significant loss of interest in any activities outside of time with your “friends”
6. Excessive seclusion: This is a shift from the normal need for more private time/personal space to an unwavering insistence on being “alone” most of the time.
7. Loss of weight or appetite: May indicate depression and/or drug use, which in addition to being a significant problem in itself, can also be precursors to criminal activity.
This behavior also means that there is a developing rift in the parent/child relationship, either as a root cause or as a consequence of it. Either way, it’s up to the parents to get things back on track. These are the most frequent causes of the deterioration of the father/son relationship:
1. Parents are losing control, and that makes children feel insecure: Children of any age need to feel that the adults in their lives are capable and fearless, setting limits and keeping them, saying no and following through, setting structure and discipline. These things may seem anathema to a teenager, but don’t create all the fuss: deep down, this makes them feel safe.
2. Parents are losing their teens’ respect: And respect is a big deal at this age. If they feel that their parents are not in control, or are afraid or unwilling to do the hard things of parenting, the credibility of the parents diminishes and, with it, the good behavior of the children.
3. Parents are losing their teens’ trust: When teens experience pressures they don’t know how to handle, they need to feel like they can turn to their parents for help, if they don’t trust their parents to handle the situation effectively. problem or help them find a solution (for example, they feel that their parents will become hysterical or extremely punitive; they are afraid that their parents will lose respect for them; they know that the parents will be determined to “fix it for them” instead of helping them figure it out themselves), they will look for solutions in all the wrong places.
Finally, here are some “do’s and don’ts” designed to help parents avoid a teen meltdown:
Do: Be very aware of everything your teen is doing, from what they’re doing on the Internet to what’s in their room to who their friends are.
Yes: Learn to use the latest gadgets and communication methods that you have allowed your teen to use (or that he/she may use in someone else’s home…). In the well-publicized story about the teen engaging in Internet porn, some parents interviewed afterward said they don’t know much about the computer, so how can they control their teen’s Internet behavior? You learn, that’s how; there are plenty of inexpensive computer classes. It’s no different than guiding and protecting your teen’s driving behavior; it’s not possible if you don’t know how to do it yourself…
Don’t: Assume that just because your teen attends “the best schools” there is no high-risk behavior to which he or she is vulnerable or exposed. There is, he/she is, so keep that in the conversation with your teen.
Don’t: Buy the myth that refusing to let your teen have a computer in their room, or even a phone or TV, is being “old-fashioned” or unreasonably strict. Staying in family-shared areas as much as possible prevents your teen from becoming too isolated (beyond what is developmentally appropriate), while giving her more opportunities to stay on top of what’s going on in her life without being too intrusive.