I was born and raised in Orange County, California, home of the world famous Disneyland. Until 1981, admission to this beloved theme park included the purchase of coupons, labeled A through E, for specific attractions. E-vouchers were always in the highest demand (and most expensive) because that was your ticket to the most exciting, adventurous, and harrowing experiences in the park. Unlike the A tickets which were “infant” rides as I recall. If you’ve just learned (probably confirming your deepest intuition) that your child is, in fact, gifted, you’ve just found yourself on one of the most exciting roller coasters of parenthood. A journey filled with anticipation and anxiety, valid worry and moments of sheer bravado – this is e-ticket travel!
In case you haven’t already noticed, gifted kids are intense. What I mean is that gifted children are INTENSE! A good day at school becomes “the BEST day of my life”; something built with LEGO is “The MOST amazing creation” and can never be taken apart; while having an argument with a friend and suddenly “EVERYONE hates me”!
The life of raising a gifted child is a roller coaster ride of extreme and distressing ups and downs. It is ironic that parents of the gifted are often accused of “pushing” their children when, in fact, most are clinging on for dear life! How does one “push” oneself in this scenario of clinging to what one can or die trying? Seriously though, the parents of gifted children I have met and worked with do not live vicariously through their children’s intellect, they do not seek the attention of the media or anyone else. They have very real problems and very real concerns that are easily overlooked by their friends and family. After all, their children seem normal.
So your daughter comes home from school and, in the safe cocoon of the kitchen where you’re busy preparing something that will pass for dinner before rushing off to drive everyone to their respective lessons and sports practices, you want to expose indefinitely how each the single man, woman, and child she’s met now hates her, her clothes are stupid (because Katie said so), her classes are too boring (or too hard, or too stupid), and by the way, she’d like to get her ass pierced. belly button over the weekend because Jamie did and at least told you ahead of time (unlike Jamie). Inhale. Exhale. Are you properly fastened your seat belt?
New Rules: Yes, you’re there to hear about every trial and tribulation your child faced that day, but first, you need to start the conversation with one to three positive comments about their day. Sometimes we forget to share our joys with one another and instead wallow in compassion. A positive memory of the day can change the tone of the conversation.
You should also learn to measure the words “all”, “all classes”, “all my clothes”, etc. with a more precise accounting of how many, exactly who and precisely what. By the way, you should enjoy the fact that your daughter is unloading the world’s problems onto your lap: she trusts you and values your input. She is safe with you. This could very well be the foundation for a long-lasting, trusting relationship that will survive when the going gets really tough: adolescence. Your daughter needs you to stay the course, solid as a rock, no matter what she comes home with.
With my own children, it’s those last moments of lying in bed at night that open the floodgates of fear, worry, stress, and total freakout. Maybe that’s when they can really guarantee they have my full attention. Or maybe it’s a way to extend the inevitable bedtime (never a hard and fast time in our household anyway) for just a few more minutes. However, it is typical for gifted children to reveal their deepest feelings just before falling asleep, as this is when emotions surface, preventing sleep or even a state of relaxation. Whatever the reason, the safety of the bed and the goodnight snuggle seem to bring back to my children the darkest memories of the day or the fears and worries for the day ahead. I can’t bear to send them off to dreamland with all that worry, so I usually indulge. At least for a while. I do insist on reviewing the valuations: Really? The worst day of your life? I thought the moment (fill in the blank) happened felt worse than this. I try to offer some perspective on the overall review of the day’s events, reminding them that tomorrow is another day, what feels overwhelmingly terrible right now can be resolved by tomorrow, etc. I never take your emotions, or the very real feelings you are experiencing, lightly, I only ask you to balance the assessment of various disappointments with how devastating those events really are. A kind of “big picture” view, so to speak.
Roller coasters of our own making
Be sure to avoid creating roller coasters with your gifted children. For example, if you know your child responds negatively to large crowds or noise, don’t insist on a family trip to a crowded mall or big amusement park. You are likely to sign up for tantrums and frustration. Read your children’s cues about what they can handle in terms of noise, lights, crowds, and other stimuli, and respond accordingly. If your child knows that the crowds of screaming children will cause them great anxiety and they will want to hide under the table or grab onto your leg, they should decline the Chucky Cheese birthday invitation. Perhaps he could offer, instead, to have his
best friend for a private celebration. Help your children think of creative ways to avoid situations that create stress and discomfort. A private lunch and play date will probably be best remembered and can be a lovely way to express birthday wishes while avoiding the noise and chaos of a public restaurant.
When my oldest son was a baby, he would scream at the sound of the garbage disposal or vacuum cleaner. So he would always make sure that my husband or I could take him outside or walk him in a stroller while the other took care of whatever offensive chores were needed. My mother told me that she was coddling him and acting too overprotective, but I knew in my heart that extreme noises were actually painful to my son’s small, developing ears. In fact, many gifted children experience heightened sensitivity to sound, not just crying for attention. Some children of high intellect experience the sensation of light more intensely than others. And some gifted children have tremendous tactile discomfort with clothing tags or socks that are not the same height on each leg. (Look for Hanes® and other brands that have eliminated labels entirely.) Do your research and be sensitive (pun intended!) to the very real feelings your gifted child experiences; These extreme feelings and reactions are not exclusive to this population.
Gifted kids love to build and create, whether it’s with prepackaged toys like LEGO or K’Nex, or just a roll of duct tape and recyclables. Most of them have an emotional bond with their creations and great difficulty in discarding them. If you’ve found yourself in a fire-threatening collection of inventions and art that your child is deeply connected to, you can try starting a scrapbook. An image of the world’s greatest creation can be easily stored on the pages of a photo album, along with many other mementos, to review and enjoy later, allowing you to dispose of items blocking the aisles. There will probably be a lot of debate about what to keep and what to throw away, but a scrapbook can make the process easier.
Brothers
Research from the Gifted Development Center (www.gifteddevelopment.com) shows that 36% of siblings have a difference of five IQ points from each other; 61.5% are within the ten. If you have one gifted child, you can almost count on others to be too. There is probably no more volatile relationship between gifted children than that between siblings. If one gifted child is intense, justice-oriented, and sensitive, then two are exponentially more difficult to live with. Add a third or fourth child to the mix and you have a recipe for disaster! One technique I’ve discovered to stop rivalry between extremely frustrated kids is to get out the digital or video camera. Sounds terrible, I know! Who wants to photograph for posterity their beloved son ready to throw something at her brother or hit her, right? But it works! The moment they realize they’re about to be the subject of a scrapbook page (one of my favorite pastimes), the action stops. It takes a while to calm down and be able to laugh at what Mom nearly caught on camera, but she can turn even the nastiest of arguments into play. In fact, you can feel the mood of the room change as the frustration dissipates and the hams emerge with all their goofiness and goofy grins.
Where does this come from?
“The apple does not usually fall far from the tree.” Parents are usually within ten IQ points of their children. By adulthood, you’ve likely managed to moderate your reactions to noise and light, moderate your responses to slights from others, and react “appropriately” to loss and disappointment. Now it’s your turn to guide your children in their answers. As your children approach obstacles, remember from your own experience growing up how you wish you had been treated or received, and offer that comfort and support to your children. Each of us remembers the devastation we felt when a member of our peer group snubbed us or if we got a lower grade than we had worked for. Don’t dismiss or belittle these episodes in your children’s lives.
Be a good role model for your children. Demonstrate acceptable responses to situations and support them through these seemingly uncharted waters. Show them how to politely navigate situations that could create anxiety, and instead make alternative choices that won’t leave them, or you, stressed.
One of the gifts you can and should give your child is to recognize and appreciate their own talents. If your son were an accomplished athlete, his abilities would be applauded. But American society constantly encourages us to hide our intellectual prowess and mingle with our class and age peers. Gifted children are the square pegs struggling to fit into those holes. Make your home and family a safe place to receive gifts; a place where intellectual pursuits are applauded and rewarded, where stimulation and opportunity abound. Satisfy your children’s passions as much as possible, while honoring their sometimes temporary but fervent pursuits of knowledge, knowing that another tangent is inevitable. Delight yourself with your children and let them delight you. You have a lot to share with others.
So, fasten your seat belt, because this is e-ticketed travel!