Some of the emails I receive come from wives whose husbands have told them outright (or told them by their actions and avoidance) that they no longer love their wives. These words cut deeper than any other sentence ever could. And sometimes, but not always, that’s the point of your husband saying them.
Still, the words can be so shocking that some wives have no idea how to respond or what to do next. Sometimes the reaction is hurt and other times the wives are filled with anger and are tempted to become defensive or go into self-preservation mode. The following article is intended to offer advice to wives who find themselves in the position of hearing those extremely hurtful and charged words that directly imply or state, “I just don’t love you anymore.” It hurts me to write them. Perhaps in this case they have been told to someone else. But I’ve heard them too and I know how they stop you in your tracks and can completely derail the life you thought you knew.
Look at the context in which your husband tells you that he no longer loves you: As I mentioned, a lot of times, the husband is trying to get a dramatic reaction out of you. Often times, this phrase is said in the heat of an argument or as a direct result of the husband’s attempt to retaliate against the wife for something he perceived her to have done.
If this is the case, you may want to consider taking these words with a grain of salt, as he was probably just lashing out at you or trying to hurt you. Sometimes when I tell wives this, they say something like, “Actually, I think the fact that he got so excited meant that the truth finally came out.” There may or may not be a grain of truth to this, but if you allow this theory to lead you to give up on your marriage or husband or to accept what may or may not be true, then you may very well be selling yourself. shorts
Occasionally, I hear from the husband in this setting. Many times, they readily admit that they really do love their wives and their claim to the contrary was just an attempt to get their wife to pay attention so that hopefully things will change for the better. In other words, they are trying to scare her into having the desired reaction. Perhaps they are in too much of a rush or don’t have the communication skills to sit down with you and rationally discuss their need for change or improvement, so they expect a cruel and effective judgment to do this job for them.
Often, what your husband has said is a reflection of his feelings about the marriage (or other issues in his life) rather than a reflection of how he really feels about you: Usually, if you dig into this situation, you’ll find frustration or disappointment somewhere in the mix. A husband who is satisfied with his life is not usually a husband who will blurt out that he no longer loves his wife. More often than not, when I dig into the situation, I almost always find that the marriage is going through stress or that there is some sort of stressor in the couple’s life that has not been (or cannot be) fully addressed.
What you usually have is kind of a perfect storm for the partner to say or do hurtful things to each other or feel disappointed or stressed about some area of their life. Consider that the words are just a reflection of this rather than being the truth. Many times when a husband says that he no longer loves you, what he is really saying is that he is not as thrilled with how marriage is not protecting him from the stresses of life as he used to. It is very likely that he is disappointed in his marriage or in some other area of his life. So he projects this onto his feelings for you, even if this isn’t that accurate.
Generally, people don’t “fall out of love” overnight or as a direct result of a stressful situation. So if they claim they have, they are sometimes trying to get your attention and offer a silent plea (even if they don’t realize it) for you to sympathize, pay attention, and make some improvements or gestures that lighten your load.
What to do when your husband says he doesn’t love you anymore: I find that wives who hear these words generally have one of several possible reactions. Some are angry and tempted to respond with something like, “Well, the feeling is mutual because I don’t love (or like) you anymore, either.”
Some wives respond with hurt or denial. An example is something like, “Please don’t even say that. Because if you don’t love me, that means we have to get divorced eventually and that’s not what I want. I can’t even bear the thought of that.” “
Other wives will simply shut down as if hurt and withdraw from the marriage as a way of emotionally protecting themselves. They may be hopeful that things will work out and work themselves out, but they approach their marriage with a sense of detachment because they don’t want to be hurt in this way again.
Neither of these responses is in the wife’s best interest. Generally, it is in the wife’s best interest to try not to take these words seriously, consider her context, and then use them as inspiration to take the action that she probably inspired them in the first place. It is very unfortunate that you have ever had to hear these words. But don’t let one pain mix with another. If she can use this as a springboard to make the changes that are really needed, then at least something good can come of this.
Husbands who say these kinds of hurtful things to their wives have usually reached a point of great frustration. So while her husband may not mean what he said literally, she can be pretty sure that at least he is frustrated and so expecting a change that he downgraded to the negative in this situation. Yes, it’s easy to retaliate and walk away just out of spite. But this does nothing to make either of them happier in their life and in their marriage. There’s nothing wrong with telling him that what he said hurt you and asking him not to lash out like that again, but don’t let it bring you down to that level or further damage your marriage. .
You will often have to ask yourself what you really want. For most wives, it’s that her husband still loves them. You’re more likely to get that result if you make some direct changes for the better rather than responding negatively, as tempting as that may be. At least give this method a try. What is the worst that can happen? Either you will see the changes and improvements you expect or your husband will keep repeating or implying that he doesn’t love you. But at least at that point (which seems kind of weird to me since the husband would get more than he ultimately wants) you’d know you did what you could.